So I just got done dying my hair black and blond. It was my birthday present for my 16th birthday from my Mom and my Grandpop. I did it with the intensions of the fact that its what I wanted, also with the little fact that I knew my grandmother would hate it and be extremely pissed off about it, so therefore, I was completely ready for the consequences. Except for the fact that I didn't think that as soon as she saw me she would break down crying cause I cut and dyed my hair, and that it wasn't all one color. Now that brings me to the fact that the entire ride to PA was a miserable mess. I got lecture on my grades, which yes they weren't exactly that good at all this year, BUT, they got better as the year went on. AND got lectured on the fact that now that I have black in my hair, it has to grow out and that i look mean and evil with it. I tried to ignore her but it hurt. It hurt alot, some of the things she was saying. But I sat there and took it, because in the end, why would I be upset about the fact that someone doesn't like the way I am, even though she IS my grandmother. If I love the way I look, then why was I getting upset.
I guess I was upset because all she ever wants me to do is be just like her. Its not me and I CAN'T be just like her. I just can't do that. I guess I was upset because all I really want is for her to accept me for me and not judge me or think im crazy for dying my hair and being myself. I talked to my uncle about it and he said that she's just scared im going to make the same mistakes he and my mom did, and I already told myself I wouldn't. I told everyone I wouldn't, but, for some reason no one believes me. It bothers me that when I speak my mind and tell everyone how it is, NO ONE believes me. I just don't understand. Can't someone just listen for once? Just so that I can tell them how I feel and how everything in my life is. Its hard enough trying to live up to people expectations, and even harder when everything you built up so high comes crashing down on you, and you only have a few people there to keep you safe when those walls come crumbling down.
By "my walls", I mean the people I was friends with. I started dating someone, 3 people who I thought would understand, left. I don't understand to this day, and I still don't know what to do. I want to apologize, but they probably wouldn't take my apology. It hurts so bad to think or even know that that would happen, but its the ugly truth. Maybe they would accept it, and things would go back to normal, but, thats a really long shot, since they said that I betrayed their trust.
I've lost most of the people who used to be my friends in a fight with one guy. This one guy decided to be a dick and turn most of my friends against me. Therefore, more walls came crumbling down...To this day, hes still causing trouble. I lost 2 more of my friends 2 weeks ago. I want to talk to them, but they won't even look at me and I didn't say anything or do anything, no matter what the roumers said.
The only people that are around to help is maybe 4 or 5 people. Out of the huge amount of people I used to hang out with, I have 5 people left. All the others left, and them leaving ended in a fight. I understand you loose people as you go through high school, but I was close to all of them, and knowing that they may never talk to me again, hurts a lot. I just wish there was something I could do to fix all of my problems...even the ones that no one knows about. I have so much crap going on, I honestly don't think that anyone reading this could keep up with the issues of my life.
So, as you could probably already tell. To the left is my boyfriend Anthony and I. =] It'll be 2 months on Monday the 22nd. :) haha. I wanted to use a different picture other than the ones of me. I kinda got really bored of just using me in the entries. I met him through my best friend/big brother Nick. Apparently, one day Nick was commenting my pictures on myspace and Ant saw my pictures and asked who I was. Nick told him and Ant started to like me alott.
